


gobsmacked

by amorremanet



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Bickering, Cultural References, Domestic, M/M, Marriage, Originally Posted on Tumblr, Realization, Tumblr Memes, Wedding Planning, Werewolves, and the Blacks are classist assholes, as opposed to blood purist assholes, it's just a modern setting that's still magical
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-03-21
Updated: 2014-03-21
Packaged: 2018-01-16 11:17:40
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,720
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1345522
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/amorremanet/pseuds/amorremanet
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>
  <i>Sharing a shitty flat with Sirius Black means that a good many things can just happen for no apparent reason that only makes sense to him and perhaps James, and this is something that one just has to accept when dating him.</i>
</p>
            </blockquote>





	gobsmacked

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Redofthewolves](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Redofthewolves/gifts).



> Originally posted on tumblr [here](http://amorremanet.tumblr.com/post/80239865712/remus-sirius-modern-au) for a three-sentence AU fic meme, where it completely failed at staying three sentences long. Based on a prompt from tumblr user redofthewerewolves, who I'd totally gift this to on AO3, but I don't actually know if she has an AO3 account.

Sharing a shitty flat with Sirius Black means that a good many things can just happen for no apparent reason that only makes sense to him and perhaps James, and this is something that one just has to accept when dating him.

It can be the case, for instance, that one can wake up on an otherwise lovely Sunday morning to the sound of the enchanted fire alarm blaring, stumble out of bed and down the corridor, and find Sirius casting fire-extinguishing spells at the oven. ("I tried to bake you a Wolfsbane Potion cake. …It didn't work.")

Sometimes, it can happen that one can wake up to an empty bed and a large poster of a brown-skinned, shorthaired boy who, aside from his facial hair, looks borderline pre-pubescent staring down at you. ("Oh my  _god_. It's  _Zayn_ , Moony. God, keep up." "…Who's Zayn?" "Oh. my. GOD. Are you… how can you  _even_ , Remus?!")

Or, for another example, the electric razor can first find itself enchanted in all manners of interesting and highly questionable fashions, then disappear only to reappear several hours later with the announcement that, as it turns out, shaving Padfoot does not result in Sirius losing any of the hair on his head, just his pubes and happy trail.

(Remus does not bother asking why Sirius even thought to have James check on that for him because this, too, is something that one just has to accept about dating Sirius Black. There are friendships with boundaries, there are friendships with a distinct lack of boundaries, and then there are Sirius Black and James Potter, who completely shatter any semblance or notion of boundaries and leave it in a heap on the kitchen floor along with the ashes of the last Howler that Walburga sent her son about him daring to make an appearance at one of Narcissa's garden parties looking like he'd been smashed the night before, slept in a gutter until getting dragged home, and rolled out of bed ten minutes before the event as though it weren't bad enough that Bellatrix insisted on bringing her _new w_ _ife_  with her.)

(He  _had_  been smashed the night before and rolled out of bed  _barely_  ten minutes before the event but that wasn't the point. Apparently, not cleaning up the mess from said Howler was a "political protest." Remus still has no idea what Sirius thought he was protesting by making his boyfriend clean it up for him, but in all likelihood, Sirius has no idea either because he wasn't protesting anything. And Remus can't speak for whether or not Sirius and Bellatrix orchestrated that together, or for whether or not Catriona McCormack was involved in that whole mess. All he knows is that the Howler's ashes stayed on the linoleum for five whole days before he gave up all hope of Sirius ever handling them like a vaguely responsible adult.)

In yet another case, one can come home from a long and tireless day of working at Flourish and Blott's — full of screaming children all in a rush to find their Hogwarts textbooks and screaming fans clamoring for the new Gilderoy Lockhart novel — only to find Regulus sulking on the moth-eaten secondhand sofa, sighing and flipping through one of one's back issues of the  _British Journal of Lycanthropy and Non-Human Being Studies_  while Sirius and Barty Crouch Jr. have it out in the kitchen.

In addition to that, one can find oneself furrowing one's brow at how the current daily reason why Barty and Sirius hate each other is ostensibly related to immunological hypersensitivities that Sirius doesn't actually have:

"Well,  _excuse_  me, Princess, for being allergic to stuck up prats who love the sound of their own voices too much to be allowed," he sneers when he most likely wants to be saying,  _I still haven't made a point of forgiving you for being someone else in this world who Regulus really genuinely loves aside from me_.  _Which is obviously something that you need to be forgiven for because he was **my**  brother first and you need to go find your own obnoxiously over-particular runes scholar to love. This one is  **mine**._

(At least, this is what Sirius would say if he were open to being any kind of emotionally honest in Barty Crouch Jr.'s presence, which is about as likely to happen as Lily letting James name the baby, "Actual Proof That I Had Sex With Lily Evans" when the time comes.)

"Wedding details," Regulus deadpans as Remus flops next to him and with an audible roll of his eyes. " _Again_."

As though on cue, Barty snaps, "Well, excuse  _me_  for insisting that you  _behave yourself_  while sitting next to Severus since leaving both of the best men off of the guest list for the reception is hardly an acceptable course of action."

"Well, excuse me for questioning your taste in friends and how totally depressing your life must be if you  _seriously_  can't find a better best man than Little Lord Half-a-Prince of the Abnormally Large Nose."

"Oh, that's  _terribly_  clever of you, insulting Severus's obvious nose like an utter  _five-year-old_. Do you stay up all night coming up with these quips you keep in your pockets or do you manage to get some rest at some point. Are you perpetually taking stimulant potions to compensate for how utterly  _little_  you must sleep? Because I can only imagine that you need a good deal of time to come up with your  _adorable_  insults."

"Didn't you used to date Benjy Fenwick? Or fuck around with him at least? He's a good bloke. You broke up on good terms, right? Just ask him to be your best man instead of Snivellus and we won't have any so-called  _problems_. So there, Blondie. Issue resolved."

"Oh,  _please_ , Sirius. Would  _you_  ask Mary MacDonald to be your best woman just because the two of you used to date and Caradoc Bleeding Dearborn agreed to play best man for Remus but James refused to sit next to Dearborn without hexing him under the table?"

"See, now I think you're just  _trying_  to invent issues. You're already making me put on formal dress robes, where do you even get off with asking me to—"

"Or would you  _calmly and politely_  ask James to  _behave himself_ and refrain from hexing your significant other's choice in best man, if you and Remus  _could_  get married, because it's  _entirely fair_  for a groom to expect that his wedding reception won't turn into the damn Hogwarts  _Dueling Club_?"

Regulus looks up from the journal with a barely restrained groan and a look about his eyes that's so exhausted, it might as well be dead. "They have been  _doing this_  at each other for  _two hours_ ," he says and rubs hard at the bridge of his nose. "I've already taken something for my headache and they've completely annulled the efficacy."

"Is that what you  _want_ , Sirius? Are you  _trying_  to turn this ceremony into the Hogwarts Dueling Club?"

"Well, I don't know. I think having a Dueling Club reunion at your wedding could make it pretty fucking interesting. Or at least make the whole thing so much less  _pretentious_. Who are you even trying to impress here? It's not like your  _father's_  going to make an appearance just to watch his son get queer married—"

"My father's opinions about my relationship and sexual orientation  _are not the issue here_ , Sirius. The issue is what I expect out of your  _behavior_  and  _conduct_  at mine and your brother's wedding reception."

Thumping his head back into the sofa cushion, Regulus flips the journal shut and huffs. "At this point, I'm ready to call off the entire reception, Stun my husband, catch a Portkey to France so we can elope in peace without having to worry about whether or not Sirius and Severus can sit at the same table without trying to kill each other."

Remus folds his arms over his stomach. "But after what Bellatrix and Catriona did for their wedding, I can hardly imagine what your  _mother_  would say…"

"Oh, she would have a fit and threaten to disown me again, I'm certain. Consciously eloping to France is a good deal better than waking up married to your girlfriend after getting smashed on holiday in bloody Amsterdam, then neglecting to  _tell anyone_  about this for  _six. months_ , but all the same…"

Groaning, Regulus moves up to massaging his temples. "And anyway, Barty would never forgive me for it. The Stunning bit, he would probably get over eventually. But after the whole business with his father, and how his father handled catching him and Fenwick  _in flagrante_ , getting anyone else from his family to come out for the wedding and making it all according to tradition is just…"

"It's important to him," Remus says, and offers Regulus a small, private smile. "It's important to him, and you love him, so it's important to you that he's happy on his wedding day."

Regulus sighs. He casts a long look over at the kitchen, where Barty and Sirius have gotten within inches of each other and red in the faces and apparently still see fit to have this conversation at noise complaint-worthy volumes. And Regulus just  _sighs_  again, heavier this time.

"Yes, I suppose I do. Unfortunately. For better, for worse, and for all of the times I've found him having a fit and scrubbing the floors by hand… I do love him." Turning back to Remus, he tacks on, "This going to sound absolutely insensitive, but… you have no  _idea_  how lucky you are that Sirius doesn't believe in marriage. Planning a wedding is  _murder_  on your ability to enjoy literally anything else."

For all he planned a response to Regulus, that statement smacks Remus on both cheeks and leaves him blinking vacantly. Opening and closing his mouth to no avail because the words won't come and they don't even make sense anymore. Hugging himself tighter as he looks over at Sirius smirking, hard and cruel, down at Barty and feeling his cheeks pale and his heart stop as every thought in his mind turns to one single thing that he's ignored for so long, it feels like it's all brand new:

Remus wants to marry Sirius Black.


End file.
